I hope as I blog, I'm blogging for the masses and just me myself and I. And that the tales of how ridiculous life keeps you crazy kids coming back for more. The story I have for you today isn't necessarily about bloopers in the bed, but more about the kind of men I attract. I'm sure every female out there gets the feeling alone and that all they attract are losers. Well let me tell you, the men I find myself spending intimate time with makes your fellas look like Clark Gable.
I saw a picture on Facebook over the weekend that said "One day, someone will walk into your life and make you see why it never worked out with anyone else." This seems like it would apply to one of the twats I went to high school with. You know the type. The ones with perfect everything, hot boyfriend, rich parents, etc. So unless I kill Bella Swan and move in on that Edward Cullen man meat, that quote seems a little exclusive in terms of who it's trying to reach out to.
Ok, now to get what you've all come for. Like I said, this isn't a tale of sexual mishaps. The sex with this guy was actually pretty great. But I met him out and about one day and we decided to exchange numbers. It was a pretty brief encounter, so when I went to his place a week or so later, we really didn't know each other. And it was the typical awkward-small talk-get to know you-fill the time until we get to the sexy part conversations. I did what I could to get him to make a move. Place my hand on his knee, drape my legs over his, laugh at his not so funny jokes.
It just wasn't happening. He had his hand on my knees, but still, no dice. When the conversation died down he says "So, uh, why don't you come over here." So it was when I was practically sitting in his lap that he finally kissed me and things got moving. We made out on the couch for awhile before we went to his bedroom, where he totally rocked my world.
I feel like its odd that he would be so inept at making the first move, but then once things got going was the exact opposite.
And unlike the other guys I've told you about, or will tell you about, he's not a huge loser. He is educated, has a steady job, clean apartment, active social life. His only flaw was that he wasn't circumcised. Which is just weird. If I wanted to see an anteater I'd go to the zoo. And the blow job of that thing was beyond awkward, and mildly gross. But despite it's cosmetic flaw, he certainly knew what to do with it. So it's for all of these reasons I went back several times for more.
There was one night when I was leaving, I got in my car and I wasn't sure if I'd be able to drive home because my legs were jelly. He was that good.
You may be wanting to ask me: Why are you blogging and not in his bed right now? Well like any other guy, he became kind of an asshole. It started off slowly. The first time it was all about me. But he slowly worked his way through and turned the tables on me and made it about him. I'm embarrassed to say something like this happened to me. Dick became a total selfish lover. Not ok.
And lets not forget to mention that him telling me to make the first move became protocol, despite the fact that we'd hooked up several times. My favorite was "So, uh, why don't you take those clothes off." Maybe I'm just lazy but I hate removing my own clothes, especially when theres a perfectly capable man with a raging boner right there to do it for me.
So while my affair with him last much longer than anyone else, it came to an end. My friends hated him when I told them of what an ass he'd become. So I deleted his number, yahoo screen name, and anything else I could use to contact him. To make sure the call of the penis wouldn't over power me and message him.
To say I miss him would be a lie. To say I miss his penis would be an understatement.