Thursday, January 26, 2012

Welcome to my life.

As a twenty-something woman living in America, I am forever in search of my prince charming. And so in the search of the elusive tall dark & handsome man who only has eyes for me, I've encountered a lot of toads. Many of these stories I've shared with my friends and we've all had a good laugh at what a joke my personal life has become. And so I've decided to share my experiences, my misadventures, with the world. I know I'm not the only who has been with a guy and half way through thought "why am I even here?". So I guess my goal is to create a spot where we can laugh together.

 As many of you ladies know, there are some...interesting guys out there. And so I plan to blog to about some of the more odd ones, and believe me, I don't have a shortage of stories.

So let's start with the most recent. This fella had been pestering me for sometime to come over and "hang out", which as you fellow sluts know is code for come over and have sex. I'd met him once in a bar and like an idiot gave this guy my actual number. But for some reason this day I decided to say yes. And by "some reason" I mean it'd been about 4 months since I'd last had some and I was in need. So I agreed, got the address and headed over.

I get there, and I automatically begin to regret my decision. There was an odd smell in his place and I can only hope it wasn't bodies rotting in the crawl spaces. I sit on the couch take off my shoes and place my keys and phones on the table. It was clear early on that he wasn't going to be the one to make the first move. So I got up, made him follow me to the bedroom. When I turned around to face, my regret deepened when I realized that I didn't remember him being so ugly.

And then I saw them. A pair of pierced nipples. I should've run screaming right then and there. But I didn't. I allowed clothes to continue to be removed, and then as I was pushed back on the bed he leaned over to grab a condom. That's when I saw how thin and far back his hair line receded. I groaned internally, knowing that I only had moments left to actually get out run. But still I stayed. Penis is a drug and I wanted some. (all of you can put your judgement faces away.) And then he was in. And let me just say, any man who brags that is equipment is "big enough to satisfy you" is automatically put in the yea right category. Because anytime a man has said that or something similar, I am ALWAYS disappointed.

So there we were. He was doing he best to hump, but I just laid there thinking "this isn't worth the gas to come down here" He kept pulling out the finger me, and I thought it was odd. But all would be explained in a matter of minutes...literally. After MAYBE 5 minutes, I swing my legs over to get on my knees and tell him to do me doggy. That's when I hear "I already came." I had to have him repeat it because I thought for sure I'd heard him wrong. But no. He had finished and I hadn't even gotten going. He left the room the flush the condom (which I don't get, don't they know that's gonna get stuck somewhere?) I got off the bed, threw my clothes back on, went to the living room to retrieve my shoes phones & keys and walked out the door without saying another word to him.

Probably the biggest bitch move I'd ever made with a guy, but can you blame me? To talk a big game and then fumble so epically, you deserve it. Thankfully, he has yet to call/text/im/email/tweet/etc. Hopefully his shame rivals my irritation.

So people, I hope my first blog entry has kept you entertained enough to return for more. But this, ladies and gentlemen, is just the tip of the iceberg.

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